Nightmare's of Futures Past....

      At first, I had imagined this blog as talking about how we all have a past - and that we are not defined by our past - but others judge us by these pasts. I myself am incredibly guilty of this act. However, upon reflecting on the title (one of my favorite comic archs EVER) - I came to think about an alternative - the damage my actions have done - the futures I have imagined (and lost) due to me worrying about the present based on the past with the future in mind. Well, hell - this is MY catharsis and MY blog - so why not do both? If anyone takes the time to read this - please post comments below - I am still searching for answers..... a perspective. Just because I am aware I am not always right - I can't always determine another avenue to travel....

     So here I am - 11 months into the most meaningful and emotionally powerful relationship I have ever known - and I can't seem to move past parts of my girlfriends past. Notice I say parts..... She has had past lovers - most of us have - and it bothers me to think of her still interacting with them on any level. Not just talking to them currently (which she does not); but even the mere mention of past shenanigans drives me mad. I don't talk to any of my past conquests - and I try to not discuss them with her in any way. I am not sure if I am somehow threatened by what they were (why else tell me?); or if I feel that if it is past - let's leave it there and not drag it into the now; or if I want to just imagine I am the only one - even though all facts acknowledge otherwise. I'm SLOWLY learning to curb the questions (as the Fly said.... "I'm getting....... BETTER") - but I do wish I wasn't put in the position to even have to handle them. Once known; things cannot be UNKNOWN...... unless I develop amnesia. That would be inconvenient! The part of her past that I do not give NEARLY enough respect to in this matter is that it is very clear that she in undyingly loyal and faithful and my concerns are only of the thoughts she has - I have no belief that she would do anything outside of the bounds we have set in our deeply committed relationship. That said; I can't imagine her sitting down for drinks with one of her past..... "moments". Dude leering lustily and remembering that one night...... it drives me crazy to imagine. We haven't faced that yet; which leads to my second interpretation.... 

     How many times haveI imagined futures that were sabotaged due to me acting out based on fears of what could be - that were normally not realized. Many of those fears were based on past conditions - mine or the person who I was with. I don't want to be a slave to my emotions - I am working on regaining the security I once shared - with people who were much less worthy than this wonderful woman I am now with. So much of this is me - within my head. My heart. So much of it was quelled this weekend when she admitted how much she needed me - she was afraid to lose ME. What an absolutely foreign concept - for so many; for so long; I have been interchangeable and disposable. Now I have found the most important person in my life - and she feels the same about me. I puzzle over my insecurities now because I don't want any stumbling blocks in our journey towards forever....

     At long last I have what I wanted. And She wants me. Now I am doing the work to be the best choice she has ever made - and the work to give her the life that I can give her - trying every day to make her as happy as she can be and giving her the love I can give her so completely. I am ready and willing to give my everything for this to all change..... to go Back to the Future we have imagined together....