Could You, Would You, With a Heart.....?

     Just because I can doesn't mean I should. I find that a running theme in my life is that I have the ability to do many things - to test many boundaries and get to places with/ within people that most individuals don't. With this greater power (so to speak) comes greater responsibility - not only to the person I'm dealing with but also to myself and not pushing just for the sake of pushing. It's a hard balance to create; but the pitfalls of not doing so is that I can create problems where none have existed before. In all walks of life; I find this a running theme and I fight so hard to avoid it's tempting lure.....

     The first place it arises is in my personal relationship. I find myself wanting an answer or missing a feeling and I want my significant other to provide me reassurance. To avoid the embarrassment of being weak and just asking; I will ask in such a way to suppose the answer (generally a negative answer). My Girlfriend loves me; so of course she provides me the feedback I crave - but at the cost of her feelings now being hurt or at least she supposes that she doesn't give me this thing I wanted to know about. No matter how intellectual my remarks are about how the insecurity lies with me and not her - this is not what her heart hears. It hears that I am in need; despite all of her best efforts. Over time it builds up an emotional block and it hurts her. I NEVER want to hurt the woman I love so very much; so then I gain a complex about the fact I have hurt this woman - I even become remorseful - and a catch 22 is born. Of course I can always ask things - and because she loves me she will always do what she can to set me at ease. In the long term, however, it could begin to erode this perfect rhythm we have had for so long. My trouble comes in my impulse - I so often act on instinct and impulse - while this is a boon in playful social situations; it can often be to OUR detriment when our emotions are involved. I am blessed to have such an understanding and loving partner who forgives me my indiscretions - but at some point I have to learn the lesson or forgiveness could give way to apathy... or resentment. How do I make sure she is happy while also getting through those testy (personal) moments? How do I just KNOW that everything is going right? In my attempt to move forward; how do I avoid this motive that seems to keep us stuck?

     This conundrum also occurs in my workplace. My bosses have generally always seemed to like me and let me get away with more than most - because I am affable and productive. Once more, in pushing the envelope, how much can these people take? They don't want to give up on a productive employee - but at what point is it a detriment to have someone who produces only when they are at full capacity? So often I cower in the face of my bipolar - it overtakes me and leaves me unable to function - it's understandable certainly - but life moves on without you. In time; so do employers....

     In the long run, we are all creatures of our own magnificent design. That said; my bipolar makes up SO MUCH of what I am - as it constantly casts a hue on my actions and my interpretations of the world. In emotional relationships; it only gets intensified by the past and the things I have gone through. Is it fair to my love that she pay for the sins of those in the past? Those that meant less to me than she does? She - a woman who has given me her trust - her everything - when it was such a risk? No, its not fair. But she allows me my moments - and we continue to fight through them. In thinking of all she has given me, it boggles the mind. How many people would allow you to say the FIRST NIGHT you met that they could see a future with you - and come back for a second date? How many people would be willing to get attached to/ date a man who was separated...... and travels for a living? How many would allow full access to themselves so freely - especially when the standard she had set was to keep safe from everyone? How many women would hear your darkest secrets.... and state that the two of you would work through them together? I'll tell you - there can be only one. For all of my "uniqueness" and "individuality"...

     I have fallen in love with one of a kind. One of a kind in all of the beautiful and majestic ways that make her the woman I dreamed of and prayed for so long......

     I owe it to us to give her my best.... to learn how to give her nothing but the best of me. This blog will be a testament to that fact - and when I am feeling down or dark I will come here and rest in the light of this moment.

     You may never see this; but I love you baby. The rest of my life; my heart and my soul belong to you. Please keep them at your side; always.....