There's a Large Gap Between "You're Good Enough" and....

     "I shall not want". Actions may hold meaning; but words hold POWER. I continue my march of rebirth; luckily alongside a woman who knows there are things we need to do to succeed - and allows that - as any newborn creature - I will at times stumble; even fall. However, I always get back up, quickly returning to her side. It is thanks to her grooming and time and appreciation that I am even learning..... self appreciation? Confidence? Self-Love is too erotic a term. :) Whatever it is; it is something that is slowly starting to overtake the other voices that have been my companion for so long.... It is a gentle voice telling me I can rest easy - for all of my acceptance of others; I have at long last found someone who is accepting of me - someone who loves me, even with her eyes wide open.

     There is also an enormous gulf between "Good enough" and "extraordinary" when it comes to my work as well. I don't need (or even want) to be the star of the show; but I am not content just making the team either. I want to be a part of the machine - a part that is relevant and makes it go. I am working very hard at the skills I am developing as a trainer - it's not just about the information - I am trying to learn the psychology of delivery and building rapport and determining when information goes from relevant to overkill. The information I am disseminating a large and it is important - so I take my job with a large degree of seriousness as far as giving people what they need to be successful. I might do it with the occasional fart joke - but humor is a great motivator. :) I feel like I do what I do well; I just hope it's not overshadowed by the fact that I always have a quip and a smile....

     These two thoughts feed on one another...... I get kudos at work and it feeds my self worth and makes me want to work even harder at home to please my darling. My love gives me support and validation and it drives me through those dark moments where everything at work is coming down around me.... I do my best to exist in equilibrium.... the chaos from within makes stability and certainty one of my most cherished and valued commodities. Apparently, to the outside world, my easy nature and playful attitude translate to "confidence" (Oh, it's THAT book....); but the reality is I don't stop to think - I am able to be careless with myself because I just "do". Not so much confidence as the innocent (and perhaps self focused?) ramblings of a child.....

     I can feel myself starting to gain control of my inner tumult after so long. I was NOT perfect this weekend..... but there were a number of times I stayed aware of all that I was thinking and I let a lot of the non-productive thoughts collapse under the weight of their inability to offer anything to her; me; us. I'm starting to remember that EVERYTHING doesn't HAVE to be acknowledged - it is my responsibility to give my darling (and the WORLD) those parts of me I want them to react to. I am not without fault (I may never be); but I will make it (and I am off to a great start!) so that it is an occasional occurrence and not a daily obstacle. I owe it to her. I owe it to ME. I don't LIKE that part of me - but it is MY part and it is up to me how to best utilize it...

     For so long, I was  told how I was never wanted and I was never enough. In recent years; I have begun to struggle with (and coming to terms with) the notion that I was "good enough" to have the life others have and actually have the ability to be happy. A large leap of faith.... more like a series of bunny hops for me. I'm still working on this one. Now comes this leviathan of love to introduce the idea that not only am I "good enough" - but so much more than the "Average bear". Or Average Bare. (With apologies to Yogi....) Toto, we ain't in Kansas anymore. The funny thing is - her words and actions and looks and love show this to be a fact..... I may very well become more comfortable of her premise of my remarkableness before I can accept a more broad based ideal that I of a level to accomplish those things "normal" people do. Once I accept her definition of me as above average - what happens if one day I'm just "average"? Or I am having a "Below Average" kind of day? Does the standard change if you find me more capable and I accept that standard? Do I have more option to fail? Jobs most certainly work on this principle; but I hope special now will be special always. I give because I care; I give because I can.... I don't ever want to have to compete with my own accolades in order to keep things interesting or entertaining...

     This blog isn't extra-ordinary, but hopefully it's "good enough".