A crazy can dream, can't he?
I'm vexed about my blog. When I undertook this endeavor 4 years ago, it was at the behest of my therapist at the time who felt I needed an outlet - and an outlet I have acheived. As I have continued on, I have wanted this blog to be a voice - that cry in the night I never had that helped people to think and reason and someone (something?) to let me know I wasn't alone. I Don't feel I have acheived that, and I begin to doubt myself...... Is the name too macabre? (A wonderful pun, certainly - but something that will be read by those in need?) Is the content too broad? Am I not nearly as interesting or lyrical as I imagine myself? Do I not post often enough? When I do post, do I write too much? The slow poison of truth is that when you desire to reach an audience outside of yourself; it becomes a matter of finding a formula that works and then trying to excel. I have always sought to help those in need; I have always wanted to be the person everyone thought could help.... but am I?
I'm nervous about my education. I kick myself for not undertaking this endeavor as a young man; when my energy was limitless, my learning style was still fresh and my experience was limited and I didn't think so far into things. It is what it is. Now I am in class and the time demands (and dealing with people who don't seem to be engaged) is draining and unsettling. It also frustrates me that it makes me feel this way.... normal people don't worry about it and keep moving forward - they tell everyone at cocktail parties how they worked two jobs and took night classes to become the top of their craft. I don't have that in me.... the stress an desire to excel drains me; the thought of working full time right now is one that makes me feel like school would suffer almost immediately. I have an amazingly supportive wife who allows me my faults; but I am still shamed by this fault.
I'm worried about work. Will the road be my money source? I had an interview with a company that I really want to work for; but have heard nothing back. Was I not interesting enough? Should I have followed up? If so, how? Am I just not someone who is worthy of the brass ring that so many acheive without effort? A loser in the making? Should I apply for disability? Am I too crazy for work? Or am I just not made for the modern workplace.... or people in general? I'm going with natural born loser.... check back with me tomorrow.
I'm concerned about whether I have what it takes to complete my passion project - the books I have been researching for and collecting info for and dreaming of. Maybe I'm tapping a market no one wants? My idea might be boring.... my execution may be lax..... orI may not be capable of such great things. Greatness seems to always be for other people, not me. I'm just a common man from rural Virginia that found a way to play amoing the stars....
I have so many desires that its hard to fit them all in a days time.... much less while trying to lead a "normal" existence. I got the wife I needed; but now that it's time to put up and shut up in other areas, I don't seem to be setting the world ablaze as I had hoped. A book of matches..... perhaps.
My mind is not my friend today.....
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