Growing up, it had always frustrated me to watch a society - with schools, peers, parents and media - that pushed us all to find a way to fit into the same mold. Personalities forsaken; desires extinguished; skill sets forsaken. In order to become a meaningful participant in society; you were tasked with getting good grades in school, immediately moving into college and more learning, and moved right out into the world as cattle #54689. I didn't want that for myself. Success in my mind was not predicated on getting "the" job or making the most money. My heros were not based on their power or financial status; my heros were gleaned from those society viewed as different - those who had chose to stand for their own unique brand and personality. I spent many lonely hours getting to the core of who I am as a human being in order to best identify what I was and what I could give to the world - not what I needed to be in order to fill my "spot". In that vein, I have not changed. I place my worth to people on the good I can do more than the money I can make - and I still admire those who dare to be different.
However, as the old saying goes - "Money talks; bullshit walks." As I inched into adulthood with the prospects of a family, it was obvious I would have to get finances from SOMEWHERE. With that fact in mind, I insisted on taking menial jobs - my diploma only allowed me certain access that everyone around me thought my "intelligence" should exceed. To my mind, I wasn't going to be another "sellout" - a college educated, smarmy egotist wearing my tie to work to be just another cog in the corporate machine. Sure, I needed to feed my family (and barter is no longer a viable option in modern America), but I was going to do it in a job as the common man! By the dirt on my hands and sweat on my brow; I would show that I earned my money through my toil and perseverance. I was still allowed to be me; as long as I stocked the shelves. I worked to work; and in turn got paid - but the work was the goal.
It's funny how life begins to lead us when we refuse its gentle urgings. Fate. God's Will. Opportunity. Call it what you will, but it definitely shows through. If you choose to ignore the gifts; at some point you are looking to be the victim. Or have a pronounced fear of success. So, from an ad in the paper I land a technical job with one of the major companies in industry. I am asked to wear collared shirts and take on additional duties. Eventually, I am in a place of leadership with others who look to me for guidance. With a TIE. Over and over throughout the years; whatever it is that I am as a person has escalated me to greater and grander heights. It's easy to preach the gospel of "not selling out" when you are speaking in hushed tones to the mirror. When I became a sounding board for others; I didn't see the fairness in counseling them down from their dream of "joining the machine". They had a right to their definition of success - just as I had mine. In fact, as I progressed through the years and realized how much more difficult my lack of learning had made things; I began to wonder if there was another way for me to encapsulate success as well.
Age isn't always wisdom; but with age I came to realize I could place myself into the machine and still maintain my self in the process. I have come to the epiphany that making a stand doesn't define you as an individual - it's the way you treat those around you; your ability to adapt and overcome life's question; the way you are true to your SELF while also fitting in with the numerous personalities and experiences that our peers present. Being an orginal is my definition - telling off color jokes in "power meetings"; finding the inspiration for books in the most interesting places; being willing to make decisions "on the fly" and stand by the outcome - no matter the ultimate conclusion. I define mysef very clearly in my words and deeds - this much is very apparent. Can everybody? I don't know. It takes a true sense of self to just be "in the moment" and always feel like the time is appropriately yours - a testament to your innocence. With my last career step, I was able to climb to heights that a younger me could never have fathomed - and an older me sees as the crossroads of a career that has run on talent alone.
As with many of life cycles, I am shedding my old "skin" of expectations and assumptions; finally becoming the last of my childhood boogeymen. I will be a college student in the coming days - not to make more money or gain a better title; but because I feel I can make a better place of this world. I have realized in growing older that life is all about legacy - what are future generations going to remember about me? Did I do my best to leave my own novel that would be worth writing? With every smile, every kiss, every "I love you"; my personal legacy is more grandiose and illuminating. Now I want to expand my influence - I want to make a difference that is felt on more than just a limited local level. I want to develop or change or speak for an ideal that will make everyone feel better that I existed at all. Truly, I am - and that is the wonder. Whether I write the book that changes percetions; or acquire a degree and use it to better someone's day; or I just continue to proclaim to everyone I meet that what is in them is a many splendored thing - I will become.
Won't you join me?
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