Overheard in a conversation today during my (brief) excursion through the hallways:
"Do you regret it?"
It is such a simple question; but with an enormously profound meaning. Regret has never been my thing, maybe because I am generally saddened due to my condition before any life event. Besides which, I never have a sense of remorse because - if I get a sense that something will not be good for me - I don't do it. Even in those times where things don't pan out I don't regret - I may lament for a few moments and then move on. Can't change the facts. My trip out here is a great example. I felt before I left that coming out here wouldn't benefit me in a larger way. Since I have been here it has been tedious, I'm tired, I've been sick, caught in a snow storm and generally not done a ton of things. However, I did get to hang with my Bro and make some money. I suppose I don't feel the need to regret because I always find some facet of the given topic to glean knowledge from. Nothing was damaged long term; and I manipulated the circumstances I had before me to make things as enjoyable and beneficial as possible; while staying true to the "me" of me. There are many philosophies on regret; but the one I will stand by is regret is an emotion of victimization. Even if you blame yourself; that makes your past the aggressor and the present a victim. What point does that serve?
Additionally, much like the mythological Phoenix, I have been birthed today through all of the horrors that left me a pile of ash in my past. Do I wish for the pain and suffering I had to endure to get to where I am today? No, I'm not a masochist. Do I appreciate things more and enjoy the simple parts of life more having lost everything (mind included)? Totally. Every time I accomplish a feat; find a new joy or experience a new event - at some point I reflect later on how things once were. Not how things "could have been", for there are a million roads I might have traveled instead. I can see where I was and it helps me to appreciate the present and what I have in this day. So many stay focused on regretting the past or fearing betrayals in the future to just rest in the present moment in peace. I may be naive, but rarely do I feel like people set OUT to hurt us; along the way agendas are formed and the natural byproduct of self actualization causes one person to momentarily lose sight of who is standing before them.Even through all of my heartache and suffering on this planet, I still believe in love. Giving myself over to another with no strings; no protections. I didn't fail. I hurt occasionally; but don't we all? I learned. I've grown. I'm a better person today for all the things I have become in love.... I am becoming. Will I ever become transcendent? How would I even know - what is there to compare it to? Much like everything else, everyone's powerful form is unique to them. All I can say is that in this day, I come in peace and feel I am the best self I can offer. Whenever you encounter me; you can be sure that I am what I portray - from the deepest part of me.
I don't know many of you who read this every day. I only hope that my diatribes offer you some insight into other ways to handle this existence we all live. You are going to hurt; as REM once said - "Everybody hurts..... sometimes". Just make sure to feel every kiss; glow in the sun and cheer for every touchdown. Let joy overwhelm you...... sometimes.
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