Venture to the "Dark Side"...

For a blog with "Suicidal" in the title, I haven't made any statement on the subject. Suicide is one of those taboo subjects that is always mentioned in hushed tones and hits many people at a subconscious level. I have always felt that the reason people have this reaction is that suicide takes away man's belief of "a bigger picture". It puts control solely on the individual and now gives us full control of all our future failings (we all tend to take credit for our successes). Suicide is a subject that creates a wide range of emotions based on your exposure to the event. First, let me explain my "expertise", and why this is an important topic for me. I am Bipolar (Manic-Depressive)...... this statement does NOT define me; but it does put me in a unique place when it comes to certain actions that many people have a "taught" opinion about - as opposed to the learned opinion that comes from "experience". Contrary to most people's idea of those of us with bipolar (and other "mental disorders) - I have many hobbies/ interests; a large number of friends that I socialize with regularly; I go out for fun often; I'm married and I rarely sit on a phone or behind a computer for long periods. All that said; I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions throughout my life - Leaping from a moving vehicle; overdose. Needless to say; I've been unsuccessful. :) I have contemplated suicide at many other times in my life (not always when things are bad - my mental state is such that even the best times can lead to thoughts of suicide); not generally acting on these impulses. The general idea on suicide is that "people use it to avoid bad times". Invalidating that point is simple - unless you understand the mindset of the individual, you are ignorant enough to feel it's "an escape". Certainly; there are people who are DRIVEN by bad circumstances to feel no other option; but for me (and many like me) it's not that simple. For me its a mood thing - even the best life is turned around by my "mental process" to be a feeling of failure and a belief that the world is better off without me. I'm not "escaping"; I'm doing the next logical thing for everyone around me. Which leads to my next idea I have found on suicide..... It's not ALWAYS a bad thought. Stay with me for a minute. There are times in life when we are ALL backed into a corner and feel no way out of a predicament.... which is usually when "normal" people fall into a depression themselves.... but what do you do when you're ALREADY depressed? Where do you go from there? For me; suicide is a reminder that there is ALWAYS another option. As morbid as this sounds; suicide can actually lift me OUT of a depression by reminding me I don't absolutely have to follow what appears to be the only path. Usually this is enough to bring me out of my funk; but sometimes the next step into the "endgame" seems the best option. However, when this becomes a real, tangible thought - as human beings we will often turn to those closest to us to have a "listening board" to try and work through our feelings - the guilt; the horror; the relief; the finite feeling of potential closure. Which leads to another of my biggest pet peeves of people in general.... People will often tell someone with suicidal thoughts that the very idea of suicide is "selfish". This logic makes my blood boil; and I have counter argued this point even in my moments of great despair. The truth of it is that the people who share this sentiment are the selfish ones. By employing a guilt trip because YOU want to keep me around - to entertain you; to assuage your guilt of not being able to "save me"; or for some religious reasoning - you are being ultimately selfish and at that moment you aren't even TRYING to listen to me and experience this moment I am going through. You are merely running through your rolodex of what is acceptable and trying to "save" me from what I feel right now. Hypocrisy. Those feeling suicide are often at their LEAST selfish - consider how totally void one feels as a human being in order to toy with the idea of ending their existence. We often feel that we are a burden - to people; to friends; to family; to life; to God. Then you turn to your family/ your friends and they in turn insult you. The real way to handle this situation is to have the suicidal person PLAN for the future - show them that they aren't a burden. Alternatively; people let their initial shock and judgement of the act to cloud their reactions. So who's selfish here? I'm certain that I will have more to say on this and many other topics (otherwise, why have a blog? :]), but I did want to address these in the initial run of this blog. If there are any people who are suicidal and stumble on this blog - you can always comment or email me. I have been there and I will not judge or try to sway you - I know first hand that sometimes you just want someone to listen. If you are the loved one of a person who has these thoughts (or completed the cycle); I am also open to discussing this if you have an open mind. Finally, don't judge what you don't understand - in a world of "political correctness" there are still some things people refuse to accept - that just because you can't SEE my difference doesn't make it any less meaningful.