And Your Chicks for Free

      None of us do something for nothing; even within the confines of a relationship. There are checks and balances; moments where we go against our first nature in the interest of another, the avenue of personal growth. There are going to be changes within us all, but the expectation should never be of like mind as much as a willingness to accept one another's point of view and work towards a common understanding. The belief of "doing things for yourself" doesn't always fit, and the request of me to make it so doesn't change the fact that I'm not wired that way. I am a person who lives "inside-out": I start with my internal thoughts and ideas and then project them into the world. Therefore, the motivation for my actions is to satisfy an internal urge, even if that urge is to do something for another. My wife often asks me if I enjoy cooking (a skill she has created in me these past four years), and I always respond the same: I enjoy her reaction to my cooking - my creation giving her pleasure. I decide to cook in order to help out because she's tired (or I had another mad scientist moment), but the goal is a kiss and a smile.

     Is that really so bad?

     We have become so jaded and emotionally aggressive in modern relationships. "For better or for worse" has taken on a tone of "as long as you accept what I am. I may change along the way, but if you ask me to it feels domineering/ needy/ insecure". This invalidates any premise set forth in requesting a change, because no one wants to have these labels applied, especially by a loved one. When I spend an entire day cleaning the house; I do it because it needs to be done, but also to provide my wife a sense of order and pleasantness. All I ask is that she smile and try to be content - this is my 'reward' for accomplishing something I now she likes (but I'm not always up to doing). When the smiles aren't there, or when the things I've done are passed over for more things she would have me do, I lose the reward. Over time, unless I learn to enjoy the chores (as if 😄), I will inherently feel less motivated to continue to do the chores as often. In turn, this often leads to my wife asking why I don't do as much as I did before. Once you stop 'chording', it's no small feat to return to doing more work. I've tried explaining it a number of ways, but only today did I come to the realization of why it bugs me so much. There are always going to be motivations in relationships that couples don't share, but that cannot override the nuanced back-and-forth that ultimately leads to getting things done for one another. 

     If your man wants a smile in return for laundry, do that. Is the payoff that steep?

     If she wants you to take her for sushi and you hate fish, eat McDonald's first and then nibble on chicken karaage.

     If he wants to have sex after hours of raking leaves; why not? Sex is a relationship staple.

     In some way, every action in life is driven by a payoff. When you fall in love, that is amplified. Yes, loving you is accepting who you are. Being loved allows you to ask me to do things in order that our partnership nurtures and sustains us both. Asking for sex is not coersive. Asking you to ignore your friends is. Or putting you in dangerous situations. We all know what evil is, but requesting a smile for any action done to derive you satisfaction should not be a lot to ask....