Today was a study in contrasts about my divorce and the resulting events that an still be felt 2 years later. Legal untangling is dirty business, and often generate powerful emotions in the participants - ranging from sadness, to hurt, to hate, to anger. I had a chance to examine the fallout within my own heart this afternoon.
I made a statement today that in some small way, I would always love my ex-wife because she gave me my son. Having reviewed my emotions right after that statement, it is in no way true. I have no love for her at all. This is one of those simple statements that slips out of us during conversation that sounds like we are self actualized, more forgiving or nicer than we truly feel deep down. On the reverse, I am still receiving ripples of the poor decisions she/ we made as a couple. It is such a drag when I am still not fully able to seal the time capsule for good. However, I don't hate her either. At this point, the only feelings I have for her is disappointment as my mothers son and contempt for her refusal to realize his life is better with me. Strong feelings (of either caliber) represent a passion that I never truly possessed for her at all.
I do hate the results of some of it, though.
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