A View from the Podium

     "Our quest for love springs from a yearning for wholeness.  Wholeness is achieved when we begin to care for another's self-interest as we would our own.  We cannot expect to find this wholeness if we blindly trudge through one romantic entanglement after another, seeking only self gratification.  A whole person is one who discovers his or her highest, most sacred self on the way toward finding another.  A whole person is also one who can share his or her life totally with someone else, knowing that it means a much greater life than he or she could ever have alone."

                                                                                                     - Harville Hendrix

     

     For so long, so many of us continue to try on new ideas and new beliefs and new relationships and new careers in the hope of a perfect fit. Mating seems to be the one we so often move along with - for reasons I have chronicled before. There does come a moment though; a moment where we finally see what really matters and how shallow and unfitting it is to treat things in life arbitrarily - especially relationships. For so long I had idealized that all relationships came with pitfalls and pleasure - you could interchange the woman but the outline was generally the same.

     Now that SHE has arrived; no other is even remotely similar enough to utter in the same breath.

     Today's thoughts aren't another ode to my Hummingbird; however. Today I found great joy (and great hope) in the conversations I had with two friends of mine. One is married; the other a long time committed to his woman.... but both had been serial philanderers for years now. This isn't a judgement (as I too have sinned); just a statement on where they have come from. Both lead lives that allow them to "indulge" their habit without fear of reprisal - and they have indulged it well. In another life; when my misery was palpable and my morals selfish - these men and I would share many moments of discussing our conquests - we were beating the system by getting what we wanted from as many outlets as possible. There's a shared bond in being self determined...

     Once I began my current relationship; that all changed for me. I would speak of the wonders I had found.... She, my miracle. When they asked me how I could speak of these things and how different I seemed - I tried to show them that it was not me that had changed - I had just at long last found a love that was worth having - a person who I held in the same regard as my self. I never preached for them to turn from the "dark"; only encouraged them to look at what they had and see if they truly needed anything else. Their paths remained the same; but our talks slowly turned to how they wanted what I had too...

      I spoke to each of those men individually today. They have come to believe that everything they need - they had all along. I am proud of these men - and if in any small way I was able to help them in appreciating what they had before it was gone - I am honored. The reality is - Guys, if you treat her as irreplaceable; most women WILL work to live up to that. Ladies, if you show him he IS your everything - that you DO need him; most MEN will live up to that standard and be there for you. This isn't to say every person is going to be your fit - but when you finally find the one who matters - don't treat them like all of the rest. Give them the respect of being worth giving you what you want.

There's No Such Thing as Best....

     In a world of individuals. This is one of my favorite quotes by my favorite author - Hugh Prather. It starts off todays thoughts because of something a buddy of mine said recently. He was telling me tales of a conversation he had recently had where a friend had told him he could do better. Better than his girlfriend. Better than his playmates. I couldn't help but agree - if he feels he has the potential for a "better" mate; who am I to disagree? The more I have thought about it however; the more I come to question.....

     "Better at what?"

     In a world of individuals - there will ALWAYS be a better to things that can be judged: Better looks; more money; better cooking; better sex; better conversation; better smile. (Well; not always smile - my girl has the best smile I have ever seen. Anywhere. In the history of ever. :} Just sayin'.) Is that what matters? Finding the best looking or cooking or smiling mate? It seems an endless road of searching for the "next big thing". I'm not saying one should settle for whatever crumbs that lay at one's feet; but at what point is it enough?

     For me; it has always been the intangibles that made all the difference. There is no one better in my life at sharing a moment and sharing themselves while also sharing me than the woman I have fallen in love with. My ex never gave me the level of understanding and importance that my love does now. That is why I spent years finally looking to replace her; because I knew there had to be something "better". It took 12 years before I realized I DESERVED better..... but at some point the instinct to be treated like a human being overrode my commitment to a long dead relationship. There are certainly times when the desires within us war with one another - but at the end of the day we always need to try and do what we feel is ultimately best for our present..... and our future. Addition by subtraction. I never knew my love was out there; waiting for me. I only knew SOMETHING better must await....

     So I was right. So now what? I have forsaken the idea of better because I find that I have all I need. MORE than I need in some ways. It would be cliche to continue the search for bustier or lustier or kinkier or more giving. I am not the norm. And I do not want. In her; even in her faults..... ESPECIALLY in her faults; I have all that I need. I have not settled - I have found the promised land. I have peace. I have love. I have her.

     What more is there?

Could You, Would You, With a Heart.....?

     Just because I can doesn't mean I should. I find that a running theme in my life is that I have the ability to do many things - to test many boundaries and get to places with/ within people that most individuals don't. With this greater power (so to speak) comes greater responsibility - not only to the person I'm dealing with but also to myself and not pushing just for the sake of pushing. It's a hard balance to create; but the pitfalls of not doing so is that I can create problems where none have existed before. In all walks of life; I find this a running theme and I fight so hard to avoid it's tempting lure.....

     The first place it arises is in my personal relationship. I find myself wanting an answer or missing a feeling and I want my significant other to provide me reassurance. To avoid the embarrassment of being weak and just asking; I will ask in such a way to suppose the answer (generally a negative answer). My Girlfriend loves me; so of course she provides me the feedback I crave - but at the cost of her feelings now being hurt or at least she supposes that she doesn't give me this thing I wanted to know about. No matter how intellectual my remarks are about how the insecurity lies with me and not her - this is not what her heart hears. It hears that I am in need; despite all of her best efforts. Over time it builds up an emotional block and it hurts her. I NEVER want to hurt the woman I love so very much; so then I gain a complex about the fact I have hurt this woman - I even become remorseful - and a catch 22 is born. Of course I can always ask things - and because she loves me she will always do what she can to set me at ease. In the long term, however, it could begin to erode this perfect rhythm we have had for so long. My trouble comes in my impulse - I so often act on instinct and impulse - while this is a boon in playful social situations; it can often be to OUR detriment when our emotions are involved. I am blessed to have such an understanding and loving partner who forgives me my indiscretions - but at some point I have to learn the lesson or forgiveness could give way to apathy... or resentment. How do I make sure she is happy while also getting through those testy (personal) moments? How do I just KNOW that everything is going right? In my attempt to move forward; how do I avoid this motive that seems to keep us stuck?

     This conundrum also occurs in my workplace. My bosses have generally always seemed to like me and let me get away with more than most - because I am affable and productive. Once more, in pushing the envelope, how much can these people take? They don't want to give up on a productive employee - but at what point is it a detriment to have someone who produces only when they are at full capacity? So often I cower in the face of my bipolar - it overtakes me and leaves me unable to function - it's understandable certainly - but life moves on without you. In time; so do employers....

     In the long run, we are all creatures of our own magnificent design. That said; my bipolar makes up SO MUCH of what I am - as it constantly casts a hue on my actions and my interpretations of the world. In emotional relationships; it only gets intensified by the past and the things I have gone through. Is it fair to my love that she pay for the sins of those in the past? Those that meant less to me than she does? She - a woman who has given me her trust - her everything - when it was such a risk? No, its not fair. But she allows me my moments - and we continue to fight through them. In thinking of all she has given me, it boggles the mind. How many people would allow you to say the FIRST NIGHT you met that they could see a future with you - and come back for a second date? How many people would be willing to get attached to/ date a man who was separated...... and travels for a living? How many would allow full access to themselves so freely - especially when the standard she had set was to keep safe from everyone? How many women would hear your darkest secrets.... and state that the two of you would work through them together? I'll tell you - there can be only one. For all of my "uniqueness" and "individuality"...

     I have fallen in love with one of a kind. One of a kind in all of the beautiful and majestic ways that make her the woman I dreamed of and prayed for so long......

     I owe it to us to give her my best.... to learn how to give her nothing but the best of me. This blog will be a testament to that fact - and when I am feeling down or dark I will come here and rest in the light of this moment.

     You may never see this; but I love you baby. The rest of my life; my heart and my soul belong to you. Please keep them at your side; always.....

There's a Light after Darkness.....

       So this weekend gave way to a litany of varying emotions - and my girlfiancee' and my had our first true disagreement. At points I snapped at her; at points she cried; at points we both worried what damage we may have caused our relationship - and at the end we said all we had to say and we were better for it. It wasn't easy though.... the "watershed moment" came at 5 this morning when I was supposed to be leaving for the airport and my love was crying because she believed I didn't want to come home next weekend - that I was deserting her. I had a choice - climb in the car and report to work to avoid problem; the "responsible" option. OR what I did - I sent the driver away with apologies - rebooked my flight - and sat down with the single most important decision and most important individual in my life. I may lose a job, money, clothes - but those things can be replaced. The woman I have searched my whole life for - the woman I have spent 11 months building one of the greatest things in the history of EVER - she needed me and THAT was my priority. I know (oh Lord, HOW I know) that logic flies in the face of "acceptable society" - where people sacrifice everything for the bottom dollar and career advancement. I have always placed my onus of individual growth on my personal relationships. You have to be willing to sacrifice - to give extra effort - be willing to lose EVERYTHING to keep the person you are with. The payoff in the long run is always more fulfilling and meaningful - not many great stories came from being me team lead at the local grocer. And the only people who will ultimately matter are those who surround you on your deathbed.

     That's not to say I HAVEN'T been successful in my work life - Almost despite myself I make a darn good living that allows me to explore the country. I suppose the lesson is that as long as you stay true to yourself; things have a way of finding their place. Well, that and that sometimes its better to be lucky than good. :)  I have the intelligence that I can do anything - and I have used my skills to do just that. I didn't need a degree and I didn't have to kiss butt or give my life over to a company. I just learned what I could and when I show up - I make myself noticeable and relevant. However, I will call out in a moment to satisfy the woman I love.

     Part of that of course is a testament to my bipolar condition - impulsiveness and making decisions without the benefit of considering consequence. As well as I have done - I could have been so much further in certain areas if I made just one different decision here or there. There's always a trade off - and my first authority is always my self - regardless of whether the wiring is frayed or the machine is broken. I ultimately have to believe that my internal wiring is enough to get me the things I need and want. So, it continues.

     Next weekend, I WILL be at my loves side...... she has an appointment to go get pampered and get some of the alone time she desires..... and our nights will be spent alongside one another in continual coupling bliss. In less than 6 weeks; I will ask her to marry me and we will continue moving towards our final declaration of our life spent together - no more questions; no more qualms. I've told her many times - I cannot imagine not being able to wake up each day and talk to her - see her face - feel her smile. That is the best definition of love I possess....

The Downside of Conscience

     Whenever I do something that isn't exactly right in my relationship; I feel as if I have betrayed my significant other - as if everything I have done right in the past can be wiped out in this one moment of imperfection. It's a illogical ideal - but I want so badly to do everything just right. I have spent so much of my life just going through the motions - just getting by and not giving a damn - but I have finally matured to the point that things DO matter and I want to give my all - True love has caused me to bloom; to grow; to become what I was meant to be. With it; however, comes the driving force to always want to do right - the spectre that what has been given can be taken away should my humanity intrude. Ah, bipolar at its absolute finest. Where is the in between - the belief that I won't lose this woman and the alternative need to be aware and give my all? It is often explained to me that the fact I even TRY to give my all is the reason I have this - but the fact that my results are generally for the best cannot hurt either. I find it impossible to accept my virtues..... While being able to trumpet my every failing. I am the perfect antithesis to so many people..... and its a burden in that sense. I wish I could see what I do well as clearly as I see my shortcomings.

      As such, I cannot discount that I do have a great many people who do enjoy me - and a select few that truly love me. The close ones are all amazing people - so in some way I have to imagine they wouldn't "slum it" by associating or getting close to a loser. This may not be the most resounding all to arms for self satisfaction ever - but its the best I can generally muster. I will never be confused with arrogant - but I am self deprecating to the point of irritation for those that love me. It's not a matter of self worth - I am what I am. There is no scale for me there. It becomes a matter of understanding - understanding that I am at times just going to need the verbal pick me up I never received before. Is it fair to place that burden on others? Perhaps not. I'm not trying to be unjust - but all the things I do for people comes with the price of letting me KNOW how much it means to you. Where is the harm in that?

     Of course, that said; who am I to ask that? Ask anything? Why isn't it just enough that I do it? At the end of the day; I want what I have always wanted - I want it to MATTER that I lived. I want each life I touch deeply to have one moment where all that can be said is..... "Brett was here". Not in a pompous manner - Just as a validation that knowing me was beneficial to you. It again raises a question of whether it's right to place that on another persons shoulders - but what can I say but....

"I am what I am"? 

Hey, what's in this box in the Corner?

Well, It has been quite some time and I have rediscovered this little gem of a blog o' mine. Alot has happened since last I posted - here are the cliff notes - - I continue my battle with manic depression. As I will for life. But I have at last found a reason to rely on my meds.... - That reason is the love of my life. We have been together 11 months; and I have never felt so fully and absolutely in love.... - We went to Europe together for 3 weeks.... and came out stronger. My first time off American soil and it was all amazing.... - I am less than a month from finalizing my divorce. The ex has been less than accommodating - but I have come to found out SHE lost her missing piece - I found mine - All previous relationships/ womanizing/ searches have long been put away. The first night I met my love; I knew she was the one..... and I was right. So, where does that leave my blog? Somewhere around where it began - to be honest. I started this blog as a suggestion from my therapist as a way to work through my feelings outside of the confines of my head - and even though the situations have changed; the ideal remains. On the outside; my life is a blessing beyond compare - I am successful and achieving at my job; I have been off American soil; I moved to "The City" with my love; I found the woman I have searched a lifetime for; I have rid myself of many false friends; I have gained and maintained friends; I am soon to be engaged. What problems? To paraphrase The Cranberries - "It's in my heeeeeeeeeead..." However, I am no Zombie. Yet. (Brainnnnnnnnnnssssssss) The very definition of a person is personality - and mine is built on flawed vision..... I can always sneak behind my own defenses with my bipolar.... Like a ninja hiding in the castle. I know all my weaknesses; my fears - and when I get in a mood I am quick to pile on my own inferiority as a reason for the darkness that envelopes me. A negative answer is better than no answer at all; it would seem..... But what I am remembering is that most times the answer is just that my make up is just a bit off - where others are apathetic; I tend towards the depressed. Everything seems to have a meaning to me - and those things that are important (job, relationships) are of penultimate necessity. I have finally - after many years of being slave to the swaying emotional climate - come back to the idea that my emotions are MINE to control and express - not something outside of me I that I owe anything to. If I feel negative and at the same time positive - is it not up to me which I choose to express? The negative so often taints or even injures - where is the decency...... the HUMANITY.... in that? So, the love of my life. My one - my only. It is not to much to say that I have been better to this woman than I ever imagined possible - even for me. So often in the past I would question friends, family, therapists - what is love like? I don't know that I have felt it in the hollywood/ love song/ poetic/ Biblical sense. I can now say without question that I did NOT know it - until I met this woman. I find times where I will just be looking at her and tears well up in my eyes - a sheer expression of joy and love. I always find myself wanting to be more, do more and give more to this woman. I am going to make a point to blog more - it does release my inner demons.... and hopefully gives some of you out there HOPE.

The Song Does Not Remain the Same

Mid Life Crisis. Fork in the road. Defining moment. Maturity. Internal evaluation. Nervous breakdown. Whatever you label it; there are just some moments in many peoples lives where they must choose a path. A moment where the decision will define and alter the landscape of what they had considered "Reality". A moment that calls into question selfishness versus selflessness; humanity versus isollation; your place in the world versus your establishing yourself and letting come what may. These tectonic (SP?) shifts can influence a persons entire life. These poignant moments generally revolve around three main topics : , introspection,success or relationships. In my case, I have been consumed by all three... Introspection is a lost skill in today's world - the ability to look inside honestly and know yourself. In modern times, therapists, psychiatrists and medications have taken the place of a thorough knowledge of a persons true "Self". We require a sounding board who gently tugs us in a direction to try and lead us to water. While they are trained to listen and dissect - if you are not knowledgeable enough about yourself you may very well follow them to conclusions that did not reflect you (before), and have now altered your internal make up. Therapists and psychiatrists try very carefully to avoid this situation as professionals - but all diagnosies are instinctual and a bit of leading is needed for those who are not learned nor adept. Why can't a person just sit - in a quiet room; a park; an airplane - and probe their own psyches? How is it lost on many that as the only holder of all the answers - YOU are the one best suited to ask the questions. You won't always like the answers - but since you are dealing in your own psyche; you have the power to change. After the therapist (or us, if we do the work) determines what is eating us alive, the next logical step seems to medicate it into submission. Certainly there are plenty of cases where this is applicable and makes sense - there does seem to be an avalanche of drugs now made to numb us all into a state of lobotimized latency.As a Manic depressive, I have a litanyof meds to take - one to calm me down, one to pep me up and one to stabilize me throughout the day. Do my meds make things more manageable? To a point, certainly. However it also removes my individuality - I like my manic, impulsive, outgoing mayhem. I can generally control my depressive episodes and work my way through to the light. Yet I am still told meds are needed to keep me from driving off the cliff. Okay; even if that's the case - if that's who I am - why not? What is the obsessionwith everyone filling a role; meeting a standard? Mozart, Da Vinci, Einstein... these are men who all had a plethora of mental illnesses.... and in today's medication society they would have been drugged to the point of lethargy; And the world would have lost.... Success is such a subjective term; its hard to really discuss on a deep level. That said; we all come to a moment in life - even in reflection - where we measure ourselves to determine if we have been "succesful".The most difficult part of this judgement is that we are comparing what we have done to what we wanted to do; and what we wanted to do against what society deems "success".the variables lead to a mass of confusion to where we can really never definitively say we were "succesful", only that we are proud of what we accomplished. Is that enough? Can you go into the great beyond content in the knowledge you did yourown thing - even if those around you found it a waste of your life? For me I find it's enough to say I have lived with no regrets. I have made choices that worked out to my detriment; but I always felt they were right at the time. I can never second guess the person who made that decision - in intellectual honesty you have to accept that you don't know what frame of mind you were in at the time. So how could you speak intelligently about the execution of the decision? Yet we do it all the time; judging the decision as opposed to it's outcome. I will be what I will be..... and I am what I am. There is where my success lies... Your standing at a point in your life..... Married with kids; a good job; a nice home; astable existence. All of a sudden this person walks into your life - Fun; exciting; fresh; romantic; passionate - and sends you tumbling. No matter what we all like to think; in that moment we are vulnerable; the allure of this other entity draws us in. At that point, the dilemma is set and we are left to think. What do I want from this person? How far am I willing to go? How far are they trying to take it? What will my significant other say? Do I tell him/ her? Is this my little secret? An honest man goes into remission.... for those not self realized; this can shake the foundation of their being because they don't know themseleves to know what they want. If they go against what they want.... somewhere down the line there will be regret. There will be a continual gnaqing in their sould until one day they arrive at the fact that it was "the one that got away". Other's don't feel worthy of their good fortune; and punish themselves over giving into their desires over what is "right". Others still make no choice; they move forward and let fate decide. No matter what road you travel down; a peron must be confident in their choices in order to be conrtent in their decision. People want to consider all avenues before deciding - how do people feel; where it will all go; what is to be lost.When the ultimate decision lies in - What would YOU do? Then do it. I don't have all the answers for you. You have all the answers for you. Ancilllary stimuli may make us feel better in our decisions; but in the end you really must just do what you feel. It's a hard sacrifice, though. You have to give up blaming other things; or omnipotent creatures or beings that manipulate our lives. You have to stand in a field of illusions and state "It is this way because I want it to be so, Win or lose; right or wrong; this is the path I have chosen and I will accept the consequences." I'm at a point in my life where I have decisions to make (or information to gather) on all these topics. I live in a constant state of flux; but I enjoy the power of making the decision and seeing what happens next. It's hard; it hurts; and sometimes there are innocent casualties - but it is surely better to live than to just be alive..... If you're going through the motions - you no longer make a difference. In my opinionn, making a difference is the only reason we all survive...