What's you is me....

     It is widely accepted that in order to fully love; you must also love yourself. It is occurring to me lately that it's not so much loving yourself - it's the things that go with it hat matter. It's the acceptance that you are worthy of this great gift someone else has bestowed upon you - You are worthy of tender glances; fidelity; consideration; adoration; commitment; eternity. It's a role that I am at last trying to become comfortable with for the first time. I've never had this things unconditionally - I've never had to build an acceptance of someone finding me to be meaningful. It would seem to be intuitive - but learning how to receive after a lifetime of giving is not as simple transition. That said; my love has made it a requirement - as easy as it would be to just slip into just taking all the time - she refuses to let me be just a "Tool". God Bless Her.

     Part of the disconnect has come from society and the make up of things in the current world. People have been replaced by machines. Communication is by phone, email or text - not as much in person. We are constantly bombarded by sounds to where we become accustomed to having to tune things out - and so when we do settle in to communicate with people - it can become background noise and our mind wanders.

     Speaking of minds wandering - with all of this technology and constant stimuli - we are finding it harder and harder as a nation to just settle down and relax. We are always one moment away from a random text message; an email from work; a phone call from mom - we always have the option of pulling out our phone to surf the web; play the latest video game; or just listen to music. We do these things while sitting in the presence of someone else - during dinner; at home or (especially) in the car. Television; radio; and so much more can go with us or distract us in any environment - a way of avoiding the present moment.

     Interpersonal relations are becoming increasingly weighed down with all of the common intrusions. It takes time, patience and concentration to truly COMMUNICATE with another human being. It takes a desire to close out the world and settle into a cocoon with this other person and make a relationship blossom. It's all about making a priority of what you are building with this other person - not just passively hanging out as a way to pass the time between shows. People have become secondary; where they once were the most important form of entertainment; interaction; acceptance.

     Not to sound old or like I am anti-technology; I am not. As anyone who has read this blog knows - my profession is actually as an IT professional. Technology has many positive uses - the world has shrunk; the ability to communicate and see each other with electronic media has made it easier to be away (for better AND worse); the ability to call in an instant has made it safer - as has the electronic devices in so many areas to record crime; the internet has made learning and knowledge more universally available - and increased our overall knowledge set; science continues to find a million new uses for all the things we are discovering. 

     My only worry is at what cost. IT's time to put down the phones; turn off the tv and truly interact with one another again. This is not SOLELY an American issue - but after my visit to Europe I would say it is PRIMARILY an American issue. People in these foreign countries don't have internet in some parts of these places.... and they feel no less for that. They still make sure to pay great attention to relaxing and enjoying life - sitting outside in the sun and conversing with friends and family. Meals are incredibly stout affairs of sharing food and stories and time with those you are close to. I rarely saw people eating in front of a tv; phones were not out on the table or accessed until the meal was done...... they haven't been spoiled to the point of making the electronics a priority. It's one of the things I fell in love with about being overseas..... it even shows in the basic interactions you had with people there - they still had an ability to connect with and enjoy others.

     Next time you are out to dinner with a loved one - turn your phone off. Do they not deserve even MORE respect than your office? Leave your business emails for business hours. Find time when they are around to mutually explore other things - read a book (what a concept!); check your facebook; do your bills; watch tv.... share your life with this person - don't just find time for them.

     So this blog took a definite turn of direction - but I am certainly known for going off on tangents and returning to the point. Time to tighten the reigns and return to where this began. Part of determining self worth comes from realizing that the things you do naturally can still have worth. So much of what I do is instinctual - I don't have to think about it and therefore I fail to recognize that those things do hold value..... and thus I do offer things to people that are relevant - That makes it matter that I was there - that not just anyone could have made that moment what it was. It feels nice to have someone who wants to give to me.... who insists on making it known that I am relevant. I am learning to accept.... expect?.... that I can ask for things I want or need and they are worthwhile and important. I AM good enough. That is my mantra. I am the partner she wants for life.... and it is in her judgement that proves that I AM good enough. I look to her to find how she is experiencing me... It's not up to me to interpret what I think she means. It is up to me to listen to what she says. My lessons continue to progress.... and I am steadily becoming the person I want to be for the person I want. 

     The large part of being comfortable comes from doing what is unknown - until I develop a comfort to the outcomes. That said; when I can see that all outcomes end in a positive place - I have no fear of any of the outcomes available. It's not fair to say "it could go either way" when the facts are that all outcomes lead to (at worst) another memory and another story for the ages. My darling will not leave me..... she will not want.... so any "risk" I take will not lead to a negative outcome - at worst what should have been thrilling may only have been passable..... but that's still better than a lot of life. As a human form of chaos - I have lived in the excitement that the unknown provides. When the outcomes matter - when I have something to lose - the fear sneaks in. I am accepting that there are no dark places in the light my love and I share.

     I am fascinated by all of the things I am becoming and realizing. I am in love. I am happy. At last, again,

     I AM.

“Forgiveness is the willingness to begin. Guilt is the love of staying stuck.”

       I was beginning to write a whole Hugh-tastic (Hugh Prather. RIP. Great author - Sincerely - look him up - it can change a life) blog to give the world (and myself) a snippet of calm in the storm to start the day. Then I remembered this quote. As anyone who knows me well can tell you - I remember MANY quotes by Hugh. :) That said; this particular one stuck to me this morning because of all that I have been struggling with as of late. My continual need to feel guilty for what I have done forces me to stay behind the current moment and relive that pain over and over in the moment I created it. I can't do it anymore. I have living to do and a partner to provide for - physically; emotionally and spiritually. She's moved past it; and now so can I. As long as I stay in that moment (or moments); the mere mention takes her back as well.... I am here to heal and provide joy......

“There are no absolutes for something so relative as a human life. There are no rules for something so gentle as a heart.”

Excerpt From: Prather, Hugh. “Notes to Myself.”

     I have continued to live rationally in order to not deal with the fact that - despite my best efforts - in the past I was wronged. I live never to be a  victim - which means that I always feel some responsibility for ALL the things that happen to me. However, as a close friend of mine reminded me yesterday - and as Depeche Mode warned us of years ago - "People are people." I had no control or say in the actions that ultimately impacted me - the decision was solely on someone else. Sometimes we are all just collateral damage. By maintaining it in my thoughts and allowing it to sit in the back of my mind - puzzling what I may have done - gives it more power to me now than it possibly could have been then. I can't look for patterns or warning signs or shadows...... truthfully;  I have no need to. As another of my best friends continues to remind me, "I'm not her." Indeed you are not. I may have needs that I want fulfilled; but placing additional factors on top of those needs doesn't make them any more relevant. If I need it; I need to ask for it. I don't need a reason; pattern; excuse - or even fear. I want this thing because it matters to me - and it helps me feelize (feel + realize..... Awesome!) that what I want or need matters to you to. I don't want to have to make it any more important or look for emotionally charged messages or fears to hide the fact that I am saying - "Please do this. For ME."

 “We need other people, not in order to stay alive, but to be fully human: to be affectionate, funny, playful, generous. How genuine is my capacity for love if there is no one for me to love, to laugh with, to treat tenderly, to be trusted by? I can love an idea or a vision, but I can't throw my arms around it. Unless there is someone to whom I can give my gifts, in whose hands I can entrust my dreams, who will forgive me my deformities, my aberrations, to whom I can speak the unspeakable, then I am not human. I am a thing, a gadget that performs but has no music.”

Excerpt From: Prather, Hugh. “Love and Courage.” 

     So, now it is up to me to reclaim my road. I had wandered off into the brush for a while - and thankfully - as I have blogged - there are those around me always willing to forgive me my deformities in return for my gifts. (Mostly in the form of words. Lots and LOTS of words.) I am growing each day.... the day before I die, I will be the best I can possibly be.... I want to give my Hummingbird every bit of what I have to offer - and I can do that best from a place of stillness and remembrance that - a large part of what I have become in this past year is what she has helped make me. If she will only continue to love me; to mold me; to give me everything she is - I will become everything she has ever dreamed. I love you, Jeanette.

The Darkness is Less Hectic.... When you are alone

     So, here I sit - alone, afraid, hurting - with no desire to reach out or share with anyone. I'm tired of letting my pains seep out and engulf those around me... I've done this so long that i am used to it and forget how hard it is for those around me to see and hear and feel all the things I experience as a daily event. I'm no martyr - I have no cause. I'm just a man with a mental condition that eats me up bit by bit and wears on all those who dare get close to me. With all my talk of equalities and you have to know Hell to understand Heaven - I wouldn't mind a lot more understanding of just plain old Earth. A flow of ease...... I wish my problems would just lead to having a drink - not a drinking binge. I wish I could be upset because I got a flat..... or my teams playoff chances.... or because my job was in jeopardy. No, I get upset about things that are undefinable - and thus eternally tormenting. I feel pains in my chest because everything seems so bleak and dark - and at the center of the destruction stands me and this bipolar mess I create. I have found the love of my life. I have found a job I greatly enjoy. I have a life many would envy. Yet all these things have suffered in some way due to me and this tempest of emotions I continue to embody. It's hard enough to forget a traumatic past - but when you have a tendency to fixate and dissect - these lessons become lifelong study guides. Not of a positive nature.

     All I want is to appreciate the life I have worked so long to attain. I have made my mistakes; paid my dues; lived my reality and somehow - despite it all - I find myself finally at 38 and with the life I have wanted all along. But some of the lessons BURN. They are tied to shadows - I can't always make out the threat - but I know its there and I jump at the mere sight of something moving. My girlfriend has had to answer SO many questions..... things I don't need to know - truly; things I probably didn't WANT to know..... but she does it because she loves me and wants me to have the whole truth. I then take that truth - in these dark moments - and reinforce the shadowed areas - creating shrines to my fallibility and lack of desirability. All I want is to love her and make her happy..... I think I have made that abundantly clear. But with these moments - can I ever just make her fully happy? She says I am worth it..... God, what an Angel. I believe her when she says it - I'm sure I'm worth it - but I get so ANGRY because I don't want it to be a trade off for her - I don't want her to wade through the quicksand to reach the Oasis. I just want to give her Oasis. I wish there were a way to break this bucking bronco of emotion - to bring it all under control and use the forces for GOOD only. 

     Primarily for my love - but not only her. How nice would it be for my friends to get a text from me and not have to ask - "Are you okay?" I'm the best friend you can have when I am on my game - but in these moments I become that friend that everyone has to carry home every Friday from the bar because he's drunk and pissed himself again (at least in an emotional sense!). Countless hours spent telling me what anyone would love to hear - you're good enough; you're smart enough and - doggone it - people like you! Just to have me run down my every weakness and hand them back their kind words covered in soot and ash. Who DOES that? Yet, my friends, ever vigilant - stand at the ready any time I call - ready to do battle with the enemies in my head. God bless them all.

     Not just for everyone else - but what about for me? I sit here; enveloped in a dark shroud that burns my skin and eliminates my vision. Every move I try to make to escape only brings more misery - as I cannot walk through this quagmire. At the end; all I have really learned is another thing I don't like about me. Then I feel the guilt of my actions - with my darling it seems lately I've been doing the - "It's you, it's you, it's you...... it's me". I don't mean to. In the moments we are talking I just want answers. Those answers are from her and about her but what I am searching for within her is about me. At the end of the day; I just need validation that I am doing well by people because I know I am so unpredictable and taxing. Even then, I continue to tax people by asking them to verify what they feel I should already know. By taxing them thus; I garner further guilt and a vicious cycle is born. Especially with my darling - where it becomes I am you and you are me - I owe it to her to stop this. I need to find a way to close up these gaps in my personality..... a way to stop using pasts and futures to negatively affect my present. I hope love can show me the way.....

Should I Dress in Black?

     I was reading in one of my books recently and it gave a scenario about using meditation to combat depression. The particular scenario was about loss and how many severe depressants get to a place where they feel they are no longer needed/ wanted. It was a very interesting read; but at the time I was not in the place to meditate on it. Then....

     Today when I was flying home; at one point I was asleep and I felt as if I were falling. After about 30 seconds of this feeling; I awoke to a feeling the plane was ACTUALLY falling. My immediate thought was that we were crashing and I found myself internally in a panic. My life didn't race before my eyes - or anything so cliche. My first thought was to my love and how she would feel - the second thought I had was to a saying from a Sandman comic - "Sometimes, when you fall, you wake up. And sometimes when you fall, you die. But there is a third option....." The Captain came on the intercom to apologize; but that we were experiencing massive turbulence that caused us to "Suddenly" lower our altitude for safety. "..... sometimes when you fall; you FLY." A noticeable relief was seen throughout the cabin; and I removed my heart from my throat and gave a gentle "My Love" to the atmosphere to let my Hummingbird know I was okay.Crisis averted; my adrenaline dropped and my mind started to realize that - for the first time in my life - I was afraid of dying. I have never feared the reaper before - Death was just a "deadline" (pun intended) to our work here on Earth. At long last I have found something that is worth wanting to keep the Reaper at bay for a long, long time. I love you, My One.

     After that thought, it occurred to me what I had read a few days ago. Even though my mind was a bit on the arcane side; I decided to give it a whirl. The object was to picture a world without me in it - How would my tombstone read? How would people be affected - my love, my friends, my mom, my coworkers? Who would actually attend my final performance. (It's so tempting to put "live" in there...) How would I be remembered? By whom? 

     A shocked and fearful mind is not the places for such queries; and without giving too much away - my results weren't exactly powerful. There was a gentle undertone of mostly malaise and apathy; my tombstone basically read - "OOPS!" (That would be CHARMING!) and I could only imagine a handful of people who would attend my last Earthly moments. Was it accurate? Who knows? I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon; I have finally lived long enough - to begin. The point of all this was just that - you never know. I won't be one of these doofuses that says our time is short - it takes 38 years to make a 38 year old. There are no variables on that. I will say that you never know if you are going to get all 38 of those years. I've been told by others i'm overprotective; while for myself I'm generally more lose and free. Today made me really think about this - I want my One to stay safe so I may have her for my lifetime - I suppose it is to me to do the same for her. A lot of powerful and meaningful concepts are coming clear to me under the scope of loves light. To quote the Ramones, "I Wanna Live". I have found someone who completes me. I have found a life's purpose. I have realized someone who makes me feel; makes me accountable makes me...... human. I bleed, I cry, I fear, I love, I Laugh Out Loud. I am.

     I cannot say it enough......

     YOU are my miracle.

Four Letter Words and Forever

     Love continues to show me so many things - continues to open me to the possibilities that forever with my Hummingbird will include. Like a Neil Young discography - I have gone from "The Needle and the Damage Done" to "Heart of Gold" to finally arrive at "Harvest Moon". Finding my true love has brought me into focus and all I can say is - this is forever. I have given her all of me - my love, my heart, my fears, my trust and my SELF. She has earned every bit of it; and I will not imagine my life without her.

     So, starting this week she is changing her eating style for health - and as a supportive and loving partner - I am as well. It's actually another awesome moment - she invited me along and wants to do this together. So, it is in effect a low carb diet - says the man who has lived a life of meat, potatoes, rice and bread..... i have told her many times I would do ANYTHING for her - and I feel I have proved that time and again. So I shall once more. On a personal aside; it's a very minimal thing to do for the continued health of my darling - it's just a good thing she has started teaching me months ago about eating new things. The shock won't be as much from eating (or cooking - since she taught me to cook as well!!) these foods - but from making them my constant companion. Who knows? Maybe I will even become more healthy - not something I have worried about in my life. Wanting to spend your life with someone makes extending that life relevant - I want to grow old and experience life's many phases alongside my soulmate..... today rice; tomorrow Farro; Next week - the WORLD. Wish me luck people; this is a huge challenge..... NO MORE SNICKERS FOR A WHILE. :( This is a life change..... so hopefully in 6 months snickers will go back to being a treat - not a dietary staple. :)

     Another huge event this week is my love coming to "my" place - she comes to stay in my apartment and with her presence - officially makes it "home". Our home. It allows her time away from her normal routine - letting her relax and take it easy - stress free. This week we also BOTH need to take it easy - this new eating style will initially drain us with our lessening carbs and calories. I have tried to get little things to make it feel like home for her - her own towel; her own shampoo; her own blanket. I have cleaned it to make her comfortable with it - it's not a bachelor pad - it's a second home for our love to blossom. She's had a rough month with illness - and I have a whole weekend to try and keep her still and relaxed. I can't wait!

     Work continues to go well.... My boss is awesome and I am better at my job than I imagined. When things come naturally, it's hard to really be proud - it's not work if there isn't an effort needed - but as with so much of my life; things just seem to follow a flow for me - if I stray from the flow I get lost and feel stress - feel forced. I stand up and I give people information and I give it as me - jokes and play and reflection. I have a natural predisposition to wanting others to succeed - so I suppose training is right up my alley - preparing others for what is to come. It helps so many times in life to know what you are - what your strengths are. I have busted hump to get where I am currently - but I have finally found my niche I feel. I do not want. Many in my spot are trying to move to the "next level" - there's more money to be had; better title - but I am comfortable where I am. I have achieved and I get paid well to do something that fits my personality and comes easy to me. If I press forward; the next level doesn't seem to hold that same "rhythmic" quality - is more money worth more stress? Time will tell...

     My love awaits me in bed. This time in reflection has been amazing; but now it's time to climb in to bed beside her and enter her dreams....

Child's Play

     It begins early on in our personal development - even in our early age we puzzle ourselves with "She loves me; she loves me NOT". The question is much easier rectified while demolishing a flower for an end result to our pondering. Once we get older; and foliage no longer provides us life decisions; we still do a very similar dance of figuring out how others feel about us - using their actions; their words; and our responses to these events. It becomes a much more involved process to decide who to ask out; who to pursue; who to finally choose and give it all a go. It is this process that I have undergone and made the final choice - My Hummingbird is my present and future.

     There have been a number of moments during the past 11 months where I have checked in - with myself and with her and asked - "Love me?" (Love me not would be to negatively assumptive. *Smirk*) She is a big person on things being unspoken; and sometimes she bristles when I ask her for validation. I need verbal validation at times - I am sensitive in the moment and need a light to see my way. That said; I NEVER believe in words alone. Actions stand strong and true - and her actions have ALWAYS shown me that I am wanted; cared for; and loved by her. A fellow blogger recently alluded to the big step she had made by her boyfriend establishing a drawer in her home. You should check her out - I will await her approval before mentioning her site by name. Anyhow; in the past 6 months my girlfriend has given me a drawer; the dog; time with her mom; we traveled overseas together (a first for both of us with a loved one!); we've hired a wedding coordinator (before the engagement, no less!); she's let me drive her cars and finally gave me a key to (as she has deemed it) OUR home. Awaiting her in my apartment (which she is soon to visit) are her own drawers; hangers; blankets; towels; pajamas; candles; bubble bath... with more to come. Everything is so right..... we both just feared losing one another - but as of last week and "The Stand" - we have both made it perfectly clear that we are in this together for the long haul..... A wedding awaits. There are no more questions - it's go time! We have committed to couple's counseling to strengthen our communication and to work through our personal fears that still linger - no matter how hollow and distant they seem.

     The story is no longer "She loves me; she loves me NOT"; it's now "She loves me; what can I do to better myself for her to be happy?" I won't allow myself any further questions (I haven't for quite a while - which is odd for me); it's a matter of when; not if. I continue to try and settle my mind (and thus my heart) whenever situations arise - but I have also found that not all problems that pop in my head are worth asking - there is no end positive result. It's a foreign concept for me NOT to drill down and ask every "Why?"; but not at the expense of pushing her - or causing discontent for us (in my mind). I live her; I love her; I need her; I want her; I am blessed to have her. It's not always about finding the right person only - in my case it's also about being the right person..... which she says I am. So now I wish to be more of it.... the best of her best. I love you, hummingbird.

Nightmare's of Futures Past....

      At first, I had imagined this blog as talking about how we all have a past - and that we are not defined by our past - but others judge us by these pasts. I myself am incredibly guilty of this act. However, upon reflecting on the title (one of my favorite comic archs EVER) - I came to think about an alternative - the damage my actions have done - the futures I have imagined (and lost) due to me worrying about the present based on the past with the future in mind. Well, hell - this is MY catharsis and MY blog - so why not do both? If anyone takes the time to read this - please post comments below - I am still searching for answers..... a perspective. Just because I am aware I am not always right - I can't always determine another avenue to travel....

     So here I am - 11 months into the most meaningful and emotionally powerful relationship I have ever known - and I can't seem to move past parts of my girlfriends past. Notice I say parts..... She has had past lovers - most of us have - and it bothers me to think of her still interacting with them on any level. Not just talking to them currently (which she does not); but even the mere mention of past shenanigans drives me mad. I don't talk to any of my past conquests - and I try to not discuss them with her in any way. I am not sure if I am somehow threatened by what they were (why else tell me?); or if I feel that if it is past - let's leave it there and not drag it into the now; or if I want to just imagine I am the only one - even though all facts acknowledge otherwise. I'm SLOWLY learning to curb the questions (as the Fly said.... "I'm getting....... BETTER") - but I do wish I wasn't put in the position to even have to handle them. Once known; things cannot be UNKNOWN...... unless I develop amnesia. That would be inconvenient! The part of her past that I do not give NEARLY enough respect to in this matter is that it is very clear that she in undyingly loyal and faithful and my concerns are only of the thoughts she has - I have no belief that she would do anything outside of the bounds we have set in our deeply committed relationship. That said; I can't imagine her sitting down for drinks with one of her past..... "moments". Dude leering lustily and remembering that one night...... it drives me crazy to imagine. We haven't faced that yet; which leads to my second interpretation.... 

     How many times haveI imagined futures that were sabotaged due to me acting out based on fears of what could be - that were normally not realized. Many of those fears were based on past conditions - mine or the person who I was with. I don't want to be a slave to my emotions - I am working on regaining the security I once shared - with people who were much less worthy than this wonderful woman I am now with. So much of this is me - within my head. My heart. So much of it was quelled this weekend when she admitted how much she needed me - she was afraid to lose ME. What an absolutely foreign concept - for so many; for so long; I have been interchangeable and disposable. Now I have found the most important person in my life - and she feels the same about me. I puzzle over my insecurities now because I don't want any stumbling blocks in our journey towards forever....

     At long last I have what I wanted. And She wants me. Now I am doing the work to be the best choice she has ever made - and the work to give her the life that I can give her - trying every day to make her as happy as she can be and giving her the love I can give her so completely. I am ready and willing to give my everything for this to all change..... to go Back to the Future we have imagined together....