Will You Validate My Parking? How About My Existence?

     "The Ugly Duckling" is marvelous kids tale that illustrates how we all have the power for change and to "grow into" ourselves in time. The part of the story that never is told is the emotional and spiritual toll that poor duck must have endured to accept his new attractiveness. I mean, Jerry Springer made  a living on the "Look at Me NOW!" shows where former mongoloids would walk at as (generally enhanced) divas and beefcakes and woo their former crush who didn't give them a second look. They pour out with facts and how tortured they were by the treatment and the astounding lengths they would go to - the absolute obsession their looks would become. Even still, with all of the beauty - they still remained scarred and scared of the ugly they once were - crippled in the memory.

     I have spent the past year also coming to terms with being accepted by someone who I have such an attraction to. Emotionally; I still struggle with being "Good enough" (in her estimation; even better than that)...... I try and try and try to be so much better than I am now - it's a challenge on the one hand; and obsession with "measuring up" to her in the other. My only real proof on how I am doing I the question - "How does she experience me? What more can I do RIGHT by her?" Her answer is that in being me; I do so much more for her than anyone else. That she appreciates it. So why can't I settle down? Why am I always trying to be sure to think of things that aren't problems?

     Because I want her to never be unhappy near me a day in her life.

     She has mentioned that my expectation is unrealistic - but I believe it is possible. The irony is that in staring at these things and asking her - it frustrates her. Which is certainly not happy. So why can't I let things go? Just doing is so easy for us..... time passes so naturally in her aura....

     Because I still feel like the "Ugly Duckling". I was never the best looking. I always made sure to hide my iq - so I was labeled stupid. My flaws have been pointed out to my face for a lifetime. People much less than me still passed judgements on me that seared my mind's flesh. No, I am not an amalgamation of my past nor of these people's opinions..... but it feeds into the belief I carry naturally that I am not "Good Enough" to continuously provide anyone shelter or cheer or for someone to want to be around for a lifetime.....

     Yet through it all; she has remained and continues to learn new ways to impress upon me how much I mean. How I am one above the masses - not one of the many.

     In ANYTHING other than the shadows; these words sing in my heart and I continue to reach.... . reach HIGH..... for the standards she has set as an amazing woman and the standards I have for giving her the life of Fairy Tales. When the "blues" creep in; however; the song is drown out by a chorus of damning voices shining my failures...... proclaiming my weaknesses...... denouncing my deeds. The number of choruses I endure has GREATLY diminished in recent months..... with her continued perseverance and my internal efforts...... but a handful still remain. At times I feel a race against the clock..... That if my demons burn too long she might not want to stay around. But then..... Then she says wonderful things..... she will stay and we will learn to adapt. An Angel Speaks.....

     She might not always know the answers; but it is in the fact that she wants to TRY that gives me an undying devotion at her side..... and I don't tend to have all the answers yet - but it is my drive to be a perfect unit WITH her that compels me to power forward - fast and strong...... to find the cure for my "confidence cancer". I am certain that it won't be long before it eats away at me no more..... when our only discussions will fall to the unmitigated glory of our relationship - or the pressures OUTSIDE of our partnership that we will take on together. In order to be a full partner; I have to be an equal pillar..... I may lean on her at times; but it can't be a lean and hold.....

     I love you. You love me. We both have moments. I am quickly learning how to be a more solid foundation to us both.

I Can't Be Sure, But I Believe You Win Again!

     It's Sunday; work requires that I be in house tomorrow early; and I am on flight home a day earlier than normal. No Sunday night sleep followed by awakening to the majestic eyes of my love before our work week begins. A small price to pay for the security my profession provides; but a price all the same. That said; what an AMAZING weekend I just shared with my love. The search for wedding venues continues (and may actually have been completed).We got to spend some time on Skype with my son. We had many amazing meals; did chores around the house; spent time with friends; watched some fantastic movies and, most importantly, got some rest. The only thing better would have been to awaken tomorrow morning beside her...... and not have to leave her again. In time, our lives will coalesce and our weekly partings may become monthly..... or less. I am excited for tomorrow nonetheless; the next level of my job begins and it will be my time to perform and shine...

     The journey towards acceptance has definitely taken me to new heights in many ways - especially emotionally.  It is so incredible to talk to this woman - about life, about work, about love, about us...... about me.I learn so much about me in listening to her words; her thoughts; her opinions. THis journey to a proper wedding venue brings us even closer to one another - so many more insights and discussions lead to an even deeper breadth of knowledge. I have become so comfortable in her presence.... a feeling of complete acceptance. I am used to accepting but it is a first to at long last be completely accepted for my faults. I have many - and I know it. I am working my hardest to contain and redirect my inner demons - and I feel I am making enormous headway. She validates me in so many ways when I am unsure of myself - and what could I ask for any more than that from my best friend? My love?

     On wedding's and venues and all that surrounds this occasion - Man, there are a TON of different directions you can take this event. Gone are the days of Church; house and done. We have seen Victorian homes; Schools; Hotels; Museums; Churches; Clubs..... oh my! So many different aestethics;  trying to find one that fits us and what we are looking for is an adventure. As this blog may indicate - I am a visionary - I take what is and try to envision it with the things we want. She is very good at keeping an eye on the realities we are dealing with and keeping things on task. We have always complimented one another well.... and with our desire to be better together I believe we may even have increased our ability to be a wonderfully cohesive unit. It means a lot to have someone who compliments me so well..... but who also will call me on my actions when I need it. It's easy to be critical. It's easier still to be non confrontational and subordinate yourself to another. It's a fine line and a great skill to learn how to be constructively critical while still being kind. Or to overly positive while not being fake or insulting. 

Comes A Time....

Once upon a time

I had a dream

Dreams of a family

Dreams of dragons and

Futures and Christmas gifts

In my innocence

It all seemed so very easy.....

Once upon a time

I raged

Raged against the norm

And my peers and the

Authority figures trying to 

Label me

While I was fighting

To establish my adulthood

And define myself.....

Once upon a time

I gave up

I laid my dreams and 

Wants at the altar

Of societies judgement

Accepted my form

Busied myself with 

Idealized obligations

Lived the life I was told

Not the one I envisioned.....

Once upon a time

I stood up

Stood up to the rules and

The "Man"

Broke the grip of tyranny

I had allowed myself to 

Become slave to.......

Once upon a time

I became a man

I made a choice for a better tomorrow

At the risk of a tortured today

I gave up what I knew

Threw myself to the wind

And waited to see what awaited

Me.....

Once upon a time

I made a choice

A choice to live my dream 

And be my dream

To pursue my ambitions

And be ready should 

The time arise.....

Once upon a time

I found the dream

Sitting a world away

Huddled in her safety

Looking for her own dream

My life

Has come full circle

Once more I have

Accepted my innocence.....

Once more,

I have a dream.....

Losing Weight; Gaining Trust; Accepting Acceptance

     So today begins a new chapter in my relationship; my life; my health (mental and physical). This weekend was amazing - a visit from my love that settled my heart to the point of stillness and peace. So many things were addressed and finally settled - mainly within me. I have come to accept that I am worthy of all that she gives me. It's not done out of favor or out of pity - this woman loves me to the point where she wants me to have all the things I give to her. What a magnificent place to be - sharing love with her. Thank you, my Hummingbird.

     Today in particular was a new experience - we have decided to make some lifestyle changes - changing how we eat to head towards being more healthy. Today, as I stood in the grocery store puzzling over "lean meat" and meal substitutions - I momentarily questioned my sanity. :) However, it was evident to me that this will be better for me in the long run - and my support will (hopefully) aid my love in this endeavor - I want her to be happy and healthy with me for a lonnnnnnnnng time. I bypassed chips. I careened past candy. I slid past soda. At the end of it all (an hour later - yowza!) I came out with a series of components that will lead to better meals - how filling they will be remains to be seen. In full dicolsure - limiting my soda intake alone would probably lead me to a much better place - but I am going all out - the more I practice the better meals I can make for BOTH of us; right? I am fearful though - I am a SEVERE caffeine addict and I don't know how my body will react to this change. I am trying to go to a primarily water based drink intake - so far, so good. It would be nice to get back to a time when coke was a treat - where the caffeine actually caffienated me; it didn't just feed my addiction. Wish me luck!

     With this change in dietary habits; it occured to me how our school system fails us. Did I learn the food groups? Sure. Did I learn that "too much" is bad? Yes. I never learned the nuances though.... my same gripe I have with kids and finances that are left untaught. While I was sitting in Home Ec stitching a pillow; while I was in algebra learning about fictitious numbers; while I was being forced to sit through my fourth year of foreign languages - why wasn't I learning what makes a lean meat? Why wasn't I being given the joys of a fruit and cheese snack that was filling? We teach kids passively in these overall styles that leave them wanting for more information..... it's annoying. Yet I am learning - luckily I have a brilliant woman who can teach me or at the very least is excited to go and research with me. What a treasure.

     This Thursday; my divorce will be given a court date. The event a year in the making. It's sad - a year ago I knew it needed to be done; but I was sorrowful that this event had befallen us. In one year; the ex to be has made it a joyous event - having stepped away and looked at how she acts and acted in the past - it is now a sorrowful event that I allowed myself to be driven to the depths I was for so long. Having finally realized the final lesson last week; it is now a happy event - a moving forward. I survived. And since, I have thrived in all aspects of my life. The next phase of my life stands on the horizon - glistening in the sun; waiting. The final task is at hand and I will be free..... for good.

     I am blessed. I move forward in peace. I am ready to become at last....

There's a Large Gap Between "You're Good Enough" and....

     "I shall not want". Actions may hold meaning; but words hold POWER. I continue my march of rebirth; luckily alongside a woman who knows there are things we need to do to succeed - and allows that - as any newborn creature - I will at times stumble; even fall. However, I always get back up, quickly returning to her side. It is thanks to her grooming and time and appreciation that I am even learning..... self appreciation? Confidence? Self-Love is too erotic a term. :) Whatever it is; it is something that is slowly starting to overtake the other voices that have been my companion for so long.... It is a gentle voice telling me I can rest easy - for all of my acceptance of others; I have at long last found someone who is accepting of me - someone who loves me, even with her eyes wide open.

     There is also an enormous gulf between "Good enough" and "extraordinary" when it comes to my work as well. I don't need (or even want) to be the star of the show; but I am not content just making the team either. I want to be a part of the machine - a part that is relevant and makes it go. I am working very hard at the skills I am developing as a trainer - it's not just about the information - I am trying to learn the psychology of delivery and building rapport and determining when information goes from relevant to overkill. The information I am disseminating a large and it is important - so I take my job with a large degree of seriousness as far as giving people what they need to be successful. I might do it with the occasional fart joke - but humor is a great motivator. :) I feel like I do what I do well; I just hope it's not overshadowed by the fact that I always have a quip and a smile....

     These two thoughts feed on one another...... I get kudos at work and it feeds my self worth and makes me want to work even harder at home to please my darling. My love gives me support and validation and it drives me through those dark moments where everything at work is coming down around me.... I do my best to exist in equilibrium.... the chaos from within makes stability and certainty one of my most cherished and valued commodities. Apparently, to the outside world, my easy nature and playful attitude translate to "confidence" (Oh, it's THAT book....); but the reality is I don't stop to think - I am able to be careless with myself because I just "do". Not so much confidence as the innocent (and perhaps self focused?) ramblings of a child.....

     I can feel myself starting to gain control of my inner tumult after so long. I was NOT perfect this weekend..... but there were a number of times I stayed aware of all that I was thinking and I let a lot of the non-productive thoughts collapse under the weight of their inability to offer anything to her; me; us. I'm starting to remember that EVERYTHING doesn't HAVE to be acknowledged - it is my responsibility to give my darling (and the WORLD) those parts of me I want them to react to. I am not without fault (I may never be); but I will make it (and I am off to a great start!) so that it is an occasional occurrence and not a daily obstacle. I owe it to her. I owe it to ME. I don't LIKE that part of me - but it is MY part and it is up to me how to best utilize it...

     For so long, I was  told how I was never wanted and I was never enough. In recent years; I have begun to struggle with (and coming to terms with) the notion that I was "good enough" to have the life others have and actually have the ability to be happy. A large leap of faith.... more like a series of bunny hops for me. I'm still working on this one. Now comes this leviathan of love to introduce the idea that not only am I "good enough" - but so much more than the "Average bear". Or Average Bare. (With apologies to Yogi....) Toto, we ain't in Kansas anymore. The funny thing is - her words and actions and looks and love show this to be a fact..... I may very well become more comfortable of her premise of my remarkableness before I can accept a more broad based ideal that I of a level to accomplish those things "normal" people do. Once I accept her definition of me as above average - what happens if one day I'm just "average"? Or I am having a "Below Average" kind of day? Does the standard change if you find me more capable and I accept that standard? Do I have more option to fail? Jobs most certainly work on this principle; but I hope special now will be special always. I give because I care; I give because I can.... I don't ever want to have to compete with my own accolades in order to keep things interesting or entertaining...

     This blog isn't extra-ordinary, but hopefully it's "good enough".

All Men Were Created. But With Apologies to the Founding Fathers...

     We were not all created equal. Sometimes my blogs are catharsis. Sometimes they are things I've been chewing on for a while but don't immediately know how to address. This blog is the latter. I'm going to get away from my theme lately of writing about my life and love.... because this has been bothering me - and this site is MY world; right? I lay down gravel for you all to travel..... but it is still my gravel. :) The funny thing about the determining state of the constitution is that TJ and GW and their brethren did not believe this statement - at most it applied to the other affluent (yes, WHITE) farm and business owning gentlemen of the day. I won't go over America's history - it's no worse than any other Nation and is; in many ways; a lot better than the World's Heavyweight Champion has acted through it's tenure as superpower.

     We aren't equals. Mom and Dad do many children an injustice by telling them - "Honey, you can do ANYTHING. You just have to want it." Can desire make average great? Yes; if the desire is powerful enough. Can ambition make an absolute lack of talent into average - much less great? No. In either case; there still isn't equality - some people can just sit down and write or philosiphize or self actualize or be happy or make others happy. It is my experience that I have to work at these things. I can sit down with these people and I can hang in a conversation - but I have to concentrate on what just flows from them with ease and precision. Are we equals? Perhaps from an outside view... but the reality is the person facing me is better at these things than I am. Does that make them a superior person? No. It makes them more skilled.

     The reality is we CAN't be "EQUALS" and in the same breath "originals" or even "individuals". It's part of proper society these days (mental void that it has become) to use these terms in relation to ones self - sometimes interchangeably. People just do NOT think before they speak - so much of "small talk" has become sound bites and cliches with a sprinkle of stupidity. Like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" without the great music. To return to the point (Oh, tangent driven blogging), it is not possible to claim equality -  we don't have similar birthrights or histories or experiences or skill sets or even physical and mental capabilities. We are only equal in our inequality. No person can, in intellectual honesty, be measured against another - without bias. To want to do so is to stare at the sun in order to go blind and "find the dark". Madness.

     More importantly; it would seem that those who seek to be "equal" are insecure about there standing - period. IF I find myself equal - I can judge myself according to this other source. I will admit, I myself am guilty of this in my daily life - I can look on the actions of others with more compassion and less harsh judgement than I can look on my own. That is my opinion of how I am. Nothing so cliche as "I am my own worst critic". How can I know? How do I know what is in the heart of those who judge me? How can I know if their words truly echo their true feelings? That said; I can only judge that which comes from inside me. And so I will. I'm trying to break the "Equal" complex - trying to determine where I stand in a series of ways.

     Why does it matter where I stand? Why do I puzzle over the "big picture". IT always returns to the same place - I want it to matter I lived. I want it to matter that you are sitting at home reading this. I want it to matter that you are standing here with me - I want it to matter that of all the things you could do with your life right now - you chose this moment with me. Will I get a final tally on this before I die? I doubt it. My mark will be after I am gone..... how many will whisper my name in moments of sorrow? How many will say my name at night to God? Will anyone shed a tear at the mention of a moment shared? Will there be laughter at another of my many former hijinks?

     I will never know - and therefore living for this purpose is means..... I will never be aware of ends. I have to try.... I have to hope. I have to hope it will matter that I lived at all....

Wet Things

     So my boss always uses the term "We are water". I fancy myself a bit of a writer. These two things merged to form the following..... (You put chocolate in my PEANUT BUTTER!)

I am water

I flow forth

Ever adaptable in

My environment

Gently rocking 

Along each curve

I am river

Rushing down towards 

The sea

Spilling over without

Heed when

I gain more emotional current 

Than I can manage

I am the ocean

Crashing mightily

Against barriers

Uncontrollable and

Unconfined in my

Tempest

I am rain

Falling carelessly from

The sky

Carefree and uninhibited

Giving birth or renewal 

To all that I find

I am water...